Trevor: Caretaker/Angry Gnome

I'm sad to say that this installment of ApartMental is going to be completely Trevor related due to the fact that he has moved on... OH! Jesus! He didnt die or anything! He has just been replaced by a younger fitter caretaker. The Strata owners are cheeting on him! Poor Trevor, He tries so hard but just never quite gets there. Most jobs he does are completely half assed and i have seen one of the owners threaten to replace him if he didn't pick up his game. Thusly we have a new caretaker. i dont know his name so I'm going to call him Trevor Jr. for now. I would like to take a moment to reflect on some of the good times i had with Trevor.

He always treated me like a delicate flower... And by that i mean he kept me dilegently watered. He always put the sprinkler right next to our balcony and everyone would get a lovely light spritzing.

He did however have a few issues with comunication. DEAF AS A POST! Which is exactly how you have to speak to him. SPEAK LOADLY AND CLEARLY! Use eye contact sparingly... It makes him nervous.

He was fiercely protective of the rules of the complex. One of which is that you can only drive one way through the parking lot. Ahh but a young and sassy delivery driver thought he might get away with it. He was wrong it is the only time i have heard trevor swear. He discussed it nicely with the driver and that didnt work so he tried telling him no. That didn't work either. So... He streamed a barrage of profanities at him and that worked!

Aah but the sight of him waddling by in the morning is enough to warm my heart. His little terry towling hat and blue polo shirts. He is a garden Gnome made life i tells ya!
It was fun while it lasted so i hope the new one is wierd somehow! Anyway ladies and gentlemen im signing off another post. Goodnight and always remember... Love thy caretaker.

Thems the breaks!

Howdy folks. i have missed 3 day of blogging already! the friday wasn't my fault! blogger wouldn't let me. However saturday and sunday are now my official days off to find things to talk about in this god aweful piece of...work. Thge funniest thing is that in those 2 days all i could come up with is to either remenice about more past wierdness OR rant about the lack of interesting things going on in this place at the moment! i was acting like a total stalker last night watching the teenants from my balcony ust waiting for them to do something interesting. Nobody did...Except for serenading lady. she was having a conversation with someone on their balcony. That is all. That was the most interesting thing my neighbours have done all weekend. I'm beggining to wonder weather founding an entire blog on the entertainment factor of my nieghbours was not such a bright idea. If you have any sugestions as to how this blog could be minnimally less poor then please drop them in the online equivilence of a sugestion box. The comments. Because seriously im stumped. zip, zilch, nada, niet, neiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin! Nothing! Maybe i should make it about clowns now or beautiful butterflies... ergh! I cant exactly base it on pure unadulterated pesemism coz well thats no way to get fans is it?... Is it?

Pondering strange breakfast moments

This morning as i sit here drinking my coffee and eating my buttered toast, i can't help but remember a few odd goings on at breakfast times around here. I remember one morning in particular in which i walked out on to the balcony to enjoy my coffee and found 2 men enjoying their coffee... in the dupster! just standing there the two of them with their coffees and chatting away like they were'nt in a giant bin! And they just stayed there in the dumpster, chatting and drinking coffee for a good hour or so in which time i simply stood on the balcony watching and saying aloud to myself. "What the fuck are you doing? You're having your morning catch up in a giant bin you fucking freaks! Get out of the dupster and have a conversation! Dumpsters are not reception rooms! Granted i dont know weather the conversation belongs there... It could be shit!" Although I'm standing here screaming away to myself because these people are too far away to hear a word im saying! Who's the crazy one now mother fucker?! Alas it was always me. I wonder on a regular basis weather the other tenants are judging me the way that i judge them. Then i realise... no they aren't. You know how i know this? It's simple really... MY CHEESE HAS SLID OFF ME CRACKER! What kind of sane person sits on their balcony judging and rating his neighbours and then writing a blog about it? I'm creeping myself out. But hey everybody needs a hobby. It's just that my hobby is usually associated with psychopaths and stalkers! Which reminds me of a different story. we have a man in the complex whom, for some reason, i see carrying a pot to and from his upstairs nieghbours apartment. He may have no power or water or something but one morning he stops halfway there to have a little chat with 2 of the other tenants of that particular building (A as it happens) and the woman who lives in the apartment he always visits walks out and goes straight past the group without so much as a sideways glance. Now I'm no expert on these matters but if you are in someboddys house every day you would surely either already be friends or strike up a friendship right? Well these 2 acted as if the other didn't even exist! so i start ranting away to myself (Which i tend to do in the mornings)... "WHY!? WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE!? YOU'RE NOT THERE!? AND YOU DON'T MIND THAT HE'S ALL UP IN YOUR HOUSE!? ARE YOU REALLY LOVERS AND YOU'RE HAVING A FIGHT SO YOU IGNORE EACH OTHER!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?" At which point the three men stop talking and look up and at first im just thinking "Why are they looking at me?" but they have heard me yelling at nothing and now they know that im alone and i must have been talking to myself. so now i think "At least those three men are judging me." And i feel a little better other than the fact that my ApartMental name is probably something along the lines of "That scary screeming guy" so for now this is that scary screeming guy signing off and remember hate thy neighbour folks.

First Blog

Ok so this is ApartMental a blog about well... random shit really but mostly strange occurances and goings on in and around the apartment complex i live in. Since this is the first i thought it would be best to start introducing you to the characters who will be featuring in this blog. *These characters although resembling real human beings... are not! well they are real people but they seem more like some kind of alien race planted on earth just to shit me up the wall! But i digress.
We have:
One thing guy: the man who regularly returns home with one singular item. i.e. toilet paper OR bread OR milk OR takeaway but Never multiples.

The bogan family: these people will be a mainstay for this blog they live across from me and they are easily heard  from space! also they named their child pixie! thats enough reason to hate them isnt it?

The Fundis: They are the bollywood loving curry cooking stereo typical indian couple who for some reason seem to be deathly allergic to the presence of my partner and i on our balcony.

Creepy old guy: Ok so this guy is totally going to get mentions all up in this shit for the simple fact that he is everywhere! look left: creepy old guy. look right: creepy old guy!

Fatty McFat-Fat: He is creepy old guys friend and will without a doubt have his enormous gut hanging out the bottom of his shirt and his gigantic arse sticking out the top of his pants!

2 guys and a girl: And a pizza place i hear you ask? alas no... just 2 guys 1 girl and a 1 bedroom apartment. do the math!

and these are just a few... there is still

Trevor: Caretaker/ angry gnome.
Singleton: the man across the hall.
Creepy old guy mach 2: a different and slightly less anoying creepy old guy.
and as of today
Taiwanese hookers: two asian women decked out in the most revealing 80's get up you ever will see! (they moved in today.)
there are so many more to mention but if i do that i will be here all night naming and shaming people and my imagination will eventually fail me. the names will get even stupider than they already are, the stories more dramatised than could ever be considered realistic and the pure unadultarated hatred i feel for these people my spontaniously combust my head and trust me that would not be a pretty sight. so for now i sign off with a heartfelt plea to plese keep reading this shit and my new catchfrase.
goodnight and always remember. Hate thy neibour!